Britain says no to AV – mostly I think because we’re cross with the LibDems for not being Labour minus Gordon Brown, which is what a lot of people thought they’d voted for. Better be cross with them than cross with ourselves, after all. And Spurs lose to Man City as well. A very disappointing week, really. So now for some fun …
some of you will remember seeing this in its authentic American Lutheran version. Here is an Anglicanised variety:
I have noticed with growing alarm a growing state of confusion surrounding the distribution of Communion. As someone with a keen interest in the correct and proper procedures, let me take a few moments and explain EXACTLY how things are supposed to work.
All baptized persons are welcome to receive Holy Communion as long as they believe in the Real Presence of Christ (location optional). After this is confirmed by recitation of the Catechism (Anglican or Roman Catholic according to preference / memory capacity) you may proceed to the altar rail. If you prefer to receive Communion under the conventional species of Bread and Wine please stand or kneel with your hands by your sides at the rail. If the nitrates in the port induce nasal congestion a light Chablis or Zinfandel is offered depending on availability. Please indicate this preference by placing your right hand behind your head. Fairtrade Communion Wine has unfortunately been discontinued after complaints from the congregation that it tasted too much like wine; to indicate your desire for it to be provided again, please raise your right fist in the air. To express solidarity with oppressed farm workers in the grape industry, place both hands tightly over your mouth and hum “Le Marseillaise”. To receive an ordinary, unleavened Communion wafer kindly wink your right eye as the minister approaches. For a certified organic, whole‑grain wafer, wink your left eye. For low salt, low fat bread, close both eyes for the remainder of the service. For gluten‑free bread, blink both eyes rapidly while staring at the ceiling.
Next, a word on consumption of the host. If it is your custom and preference to have the Precious Body placed in your hands, please cup them together in front of you. If you are expressing a wine preference, the minister will allow you ample time to change postures. If you feel uncomfortable holding the Lord in your hands, simple assume the baby bird position as the minister approaches. Be sure not to extend your neck so far that the server cannot see your eyelids by which you will express your bread preference.
Finally, for those with airborne allergies you should know that the Associate Rector wears large amounts of Royal Copenhagen given to him by his mother at Christmas. The Rector may or may not be wearing cologne, but her mother has been known to wash her cassock in scented laundry detergent. The Deacon is wearing all cotton robes washed in pure, organic soap and rinsed with mountain spring water. She is wearing no scented products and scrubs her hands with antibacterial soap approved for use in neonatal intensive care nurseries.
It is our commitment to see that the worship experience will be as meaningful, efficient, and error‑free as possible. In this vein, an electronic billboard will soon be installed over the altar outlining these instructions. Please note that traditional options flash in blue and organic food options flash in orange for easy reference.